I’ve started this post over and over, so forgive me for just writing my thoughts straightforward without editing. It will be easiest that way. And for those who don’t like to read about sadness, bear with me – it’s a part of the process! The truth is, it’s just as important to understand sadness as it is to embrace joy. So here goes…..
This is a difficult time of year for me. In December of 1982, I had my second son – Jason. He was born on December 6th and died on December 30th. His death was attributed to SIDS – Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Of course, his passing was difficult to endure, but I did. However, every year around this time, I feel a sadness in my heart.
But there is something deeper that is going on with me and I simply need to face the music. Everyone has some form of tragedy in his or her life. We’ve either lost a child, parent, sibling, friend. We’ve been through divorce. Or we’ve lost all our money, home, or both. The truth is, we have all suffered from sadness. And for most of us, whether it’s our coping mechanisms or faith, we manage to survive. What is troubling me is something beyond the normal ebb and tide of life and death.
When did I lose my ability to laugh freely? What changed me? I’m always sitting right on the edge of being able to let down my guard and just giggle myself into tears. Oh sure, I can smile and laugh now and then at a funny movie. Yes, two to three drinks and I’m silly. But that isn’t the same. I truly can’t remember the last time I laughed with all my heart and soul. Something has happened along the way to make me guarded. Was it Jason’s death? Was it getting older and believing life isn’t supposed to be funny? Maybe it was my divorce and the realization that I truly did make a decision to be alone? Perhaps I don’t really want to laugh anymore. Perhaps I won’t ever let my guard down again.
And yet, I know that’s not true. I want to laugh uncontrollably…..you know, that rolling on the floor, can’t catch your breath laughing! It’s time for me to speak the truth…..it will happen, because someone will get through that guard I have up…..
I’m waiting for you….whoever you are!
beginningsandendings 
Nov 23, 2011 @ 07:36:06
Wow Cheri!! Now that was very interesting!! I know exactly what you are talking about!! One day it will happen that care free, fun loving, crazy spirit will be back!!
It’s just sleeping now. You are a wonderful person and deserve all the good things in life!! Just believe and it will be yours again. Keep positive!! Love you Cheri!!!
Nov 23, 2011 @ 08:44:20
Thanks Georgie! My biggest blessing is my family and friends who consistently are there for me! Love ya right back lady! đŸ™‚
Nov 24, 2011 @ 11:27:42
Great post. Cheri
You are such a free spirit. Look how much you make others laugh. Someday, the belly laugh will come. Hopefully soon.
Nov 24, 2011 @ 21:57:19
Thank you so much Barbara…what kind words! You know, it’s so weird because when I’m writing, I tend to forget that just possibly, someone will actual read what I wrote. Evidently, I touched some nerves (or hearts) with this one because I got a number of responses even from people I don’t know. Wow!
Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! Miss ya gal!
Nov 25, 2011 @ 19:00:36
I thoroughly enjoy following your blog, but after this post I wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to you directly (without the entire blogoshere listening!). I totally know ‘where you’re at’ because I’m at a similar point in my life’s journey. Your posts have been such an inspiration to me and I have some personal observations I’d like to share with you if you contact me at my e-mail address … michemozaix@yahoo.com Hope to hear from you!